The clothes you're wearing are a filthy and disgustingly stained haven for dust mites and allergens.
How could they not be, having presumably only been washed in an old-fashioned and ineffectual tumbling motion?
What you need is a washing machine that can wash your undies in no less than five (yes! five!) different ways - a washing machine very much like the brand new WM2901HVA from LG.
This hero of hygiene uses new MotionCare technologies to deliver four entirely new ways of automatically washing clothes (rolling, stepping, swinging and scrubbing) - as well as dull old tumbling for traditionalists.
Tumbling is so 20th century
According to LG, combining these motions in a single wash allows the new MotionCare washer to deliver "energy savings, gentler care of fabrics and enhanced washing performance" on a cheap cold wash.
It also enables an ultra-gentle Hand Wash mode that just swings your delicates, easing dirt out of them with all the care and attention of a skilled masseuse. Probably.
MotionCare is made possible thanks to LG's belt-less direct drive motors, and the fancy WM2901HVA also boasts the company's steam technology to save energy and minimise wrinkles.
The WM2901HVA will be available in the US in the autumn for $1500, and once all the Americans are cleanly rolled, stepped, swung and scrubbed, it should pop up in the UK for something over £1000.