10 signs you've become a home cinema extremist

Most people are happy with a telly and two speakers. Not you...

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There are movie fans, there are home cinemaphiles and then there's you. If it doesn't have a Dolby or THX logo on it you're not interested, frankly. And you know that your home cinema rig is the best-looking, best-sounding system this side of the Empire Leicester Square.

If you're not convinced you're taking your passion for home cinema to extremes, then why not see how many of the following apply to you:

1. You can't sit through a whole movie
But you can bore family members with some tedious anecdote about how the surround sound mix was created. Or what brand of washboard the foley artist scraped their fingers down during the climactic chase sequence.

2. In fact, you can't sit through a whole movie, period
Dialogue, plot development characterisation, romantic interludes. Where's the octane-fuelled excitement in that? Remotes have fast forward and rewind buttons for a reason - they enable you to zip to bits that best test your system, along with the patience of your family, friends and neighbours. You know for a fact that Chapters 19-20, 1:17:51 to 1:25:20 is the meanest, most visceral death chase sequence known to man. And it has contains the motherfricking motherfricker of all motherfricking explosions at 1:23:45. Why watch anything else?

3. You have absolute (home cinema) power
OK so you can't fire up your home cinema system without dimming the lights in every house on your block; and your hair does an electric hand-stand whenever you walk in the room. But, boy, your setup's so loud you've been told you can even hear it from space. Even the heat from the 18 monoblock power amps can't put you off - it's a cheap 'n' easy to way to get a perma-tan and comes in handy for Blockbuster Barbecue Nights.

4. You've owned every video format known to man (except HD DVD)
And you have garage-cum-video library to prove it: There are Blu-ray discs, VideoCD and DVDs; VHS, S-VHS, D-BHS, V2000 and Betamax videotapes. You have the biggest laserdisc collection in the UK and you even have some UMDs. HD DVDs though are strangely conspicuous by their absence - you couldn't stand all that interactive nonsense. Or their icky, brown cases.

5. Your TV is so big, it blots out the whole sky.
Do you really have to sit so close to the telly? Oh... you do. In retrospect buying a Panasonic 103-inch TV was a bit of a mistake in a two-up, two-down, but man, you have to admire the detail. Have you seen the hairs on Kate Winslet's nose? Three feet across they are, and in 1080p HD.

6. You own several Sky+ PVRs and almost as many satellite dishes
And they're all permanently recording everything all the time. Want to watch naked Ukranian figure skating darts? You've got all 14 seasons. Well, you wouldn't want to miss out, would you?

7. You know you shouldn't charge, but this stuff costs so much, you know?
You had to take out a second mortgage on your second mortgage, so it's only fair that you charge friends and family a nominal fee (£10 each, no discounts) when they come around to watch. You've even set up a website so they can book in advance online, and, of course, they can pick up popcorn and Kia-ora (another £5) from the kitchen when they arrive. Of course it's illegal.

8. You have more speakers than you need
Well there's the front left, front centre and front right, front effects left, front effects right, side effects left, side effects right, surround effects left, surrounds effects right, rear centre, subwoofers there, there, there and there. Oh and the Buttkickers. Two in each seat. The ceiling surrounds - eight of them. Oh and the RugRumbler. What do you mean you've never heard of the RugRumbler?

9. Your all-time favourite cinema moments are...
The THX logo adverts. All of them. Ready? Duuuuuunnnnnnggggggmmmnnnnn... Genius. The Dolby ones? Erm, not so much.

10. You have a TV in every room in the house
Even in the smallest one. And it's a 50-incher too. Speakers? Don't be daft. Actually yes, you've put some in the ceiling that you can plaster over and paint. Subwoofer? Well just the one behind the cistern for personal reasons. Fire it up and no-one can hear you when you [that's quite enough - Ed]

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